Tamzin Merchant
Ode to a Toilet

I’ve never failed to notice how
Loos are generally excluded
From literature and suchlike,
And so I have concluded:

In general, as a Nation, we
Refrain from using ‘poo’ or ‘pee’
As a legitimate and pressing plight
For characters to exit downstage right

For when did Superman ever say
“Just a sec, love, don’t go away,
Hang on that ledge another mo
Coz when you gotta go, you gotta go!”

Likewise, Shakespeare never proclaim’d
“The human psyche is thus maim’d,
When one hath many things to do,
One always just pops to the loo.”

Caesar never said during orations
“Hang on there, plebs, hold your stations
Your imperial highness will be back in a bit
But just right now, I’m off to the Pit.”

Harry Potter and Friends don’t have time to poo,
Cos they’re always fighting You-Know-Who
They’re far too busy with that three-headed dog
To have time to pay a visit to the Bog.

And Frankenstein’s creature (so people thought)
Was never (lucky sod) caught short.
And so yours truly writes in conclusion:
There is a good deal of toilet confusion

Don’t be deceived by the characters you see
(From the Frodos to the Captain Cooks)
And here’s some advice to you from me:
Don’t believe everything you read in books.