No one in the town of Bluntville knew how Harlod Fumer gained the nickname "Funky Harold" or how the name caught on. It was like an epiphany of sorts, one day he was known as "Fumer's little kid" and the next day suddenly everyone just added the "funky" prefix to his first name. That day was October 5th 1969. Checking the history books, as I did, for significant events of the day would yield nothing of relation to Harold, who was only nine years old at the time. It was one of the most uneventful days in history apart from the fact that in far away England, Monty Python's Flying Circus had its debut broadcast on BBC1.Harold had little interest in comedy.

I have spent five years researching Funky Harold's life and it has come to my attention that on that eventful night, something of the greatest historical and religious importance came to pass - Harold Jerald Jason Fumer spoke to God, as in THE God. I do realise that I am treading on a thin line of political correctness and that some would find the following account of Funky Harold's divine journey offensive. I would therefore admit that as with any religious matter, there are no hard concrete facts to support my version of events. I ask you all to listen to my story as nothing but a story, for such tales of heroic adventure stimulate the mind and imagination and cause people to achieve grand things.

If The Bible teaches us anything about God is that while being all powerful, God is extremely shy. He talks to few and reveals himself to an even more select number of prophets. "Funky Harold" didn't see God but God's voice spoke to him through his cat, who was named by his rather boring parents as Kitty. It was not a coincidence that God spoke to Harold on the day Monty Python had their debut, God was always a sucker for comedy and the way he revealed himself to Harold would be considered by many Theologians as rather humorous.

Harold was the only boy in Bluntville who enjoyed soccer, a game taught to him by Hans Fumer, his German grandparent. As none of his friends were interested in the game, he practiced his ball skills on his own, in the garden. Kitty came in and rubbed against Harold's legs, as cats traditionally do, and interrupted Harold's practice. Harold was angry at the cat.

"Kitty! Go away!!!" he fumed.

"TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES" the cat replied in a deep baritone.

Harold was baffled to say the least or 'buffled' as the Bluntvillians say.

"HOLY. HOLY. HOLY. TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES." The cat repeated his request.

Harold, who was lost for words, did as God told him. He was a good boy.

"Thank you, Harold"

"You're welcome" Harold replied, his German grandfather taught him manners too.

"Kneel!" Kitty said. Harold kneeled.

"Now rise as Funky Harold" Kitty said. Funky Harold rose.

"I AM GOD'S VOICE! Have your parents told you about God?" Kitty asked.

"Yes they have, is he Santa's friend?"

"erm... yes, I am," Kitty said while licking its paws, "this would never have happened during the Spanish inquisition...", the cat muttered to itself.

"That's splendid!" Exclaimed Harold.

"I have a mission for you, the world is in peril and I chose you as my agent. Only you can save the world from Satan, as you are the only person with a pure and uncorrupted heart." Said Kitty.

Harold was happy. He liked compliments. He remembered the time he and mum made a chocolate cake for his father's birthday and how his father said that the cake was "the best cake in the world". He was so happy back then, imagine how happy he was to get a similar compliment from God himself. He wondered if Jesus ever made birthday cakes for God.  

TO BE CONTINUED IN PLATFORMS 6...
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